so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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