Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
