Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
