It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
