My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
