I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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