Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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