i can't believe i had my finger in that
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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