I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I believe in your delicious
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
