she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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