my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
MIDGETS
????
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
