at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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