im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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