If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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