you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize