If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
