nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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