Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
