In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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