how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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