i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
