Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
