whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
