I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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