the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
