Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
