I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
