went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
