I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
