omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize