Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
