he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
