Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
