I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
