Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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