The best revenge is premature balding
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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