Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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