He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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