The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
