she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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