My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
