you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
