I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
