There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude i'm inner monologue high
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
