Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
