Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
