a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
