Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i think we sleep fucked last night...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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