So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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