I never want to see another naked old woman again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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