I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
