i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
