If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
