and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He has the fingertips of a God
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