Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
