Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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